"Teen idol Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school... With that haircut, he'll have his choice of top sororities." -Jimmy Fallon
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He asked the woman to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so?”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”.
"Teen idol Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school...
ReplyDeleteWith that haircut, he'll have his choice of top sororities."
-Jimmy Fallon
MW
"I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean."
ReplyDeleteZach Galifianakis
EA
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
ReplyDeleteDemetri Martin
PM
What's the difference between the Texans and a dollar? A dollar can give you four quarters...
ReplyDelete- Anonymous
MR
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.”
ReplyDeleteNot wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He asked the woman to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so?”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”.
CB
Teacher: Where is your homework?
ReplyDeleteStudent: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school
TG
Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.
ReplyDeleteJim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.
AB
TWO MEN DRAGGING THEIR FEET JOKE
ReplyDeleteTwo men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”
GMF
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,because the only element he understood was the element of surprise.
ReplyDeleteMZ
Holden Hamblen - A pencil with two erasers is pointless!
ReplyDeleteME- "Did you know that they now sell seaweed in boxes?"
ReplyDeleteJessica– "Yeah it's really good."
Laura- "Wait like from the sea."
ME– "Yeah, seaweed is the new product... "Hey man you want some seaweed?"
Tom- "I wonder if that shows up in the drug test?"